30 Day Blogging Challenge – Day 17

And here we go…I will finally be caught up on the blogging challenge.  Hurrah!

Today’s post is all about the highs and lows of the last year. I’m going to try to keep this simple–a quick top 3 of each.

Lows:

1. Health and Fitness.  I really hoped I would be able to shake off some excess weight and get back to being super fit again.  Alas, it never happened.  I would be good for a stretch and then life happened and the progress I made would disappear. It’s a low because it frustrates the bejesus out of me that I can’t seem to get any real consistency going and at times, it makes me feel like crap.

2. The two dates (would’ve been three if I didn’t opt out in the end) that an acquaintance set me up on–brutal set ups and they made me feel like crap about myself and my single status for some time especially in light of all the weddings and babies announced and photographed on Facebook.

3.  Making progress on my life goals and yet losing site and/or sabotaging them in the end.  Similar to number one…I get into a good routine of saving my money or eating healthy and then life gets crazy and my good work stops and I have to start all over again.  I know that setbacks happen, but it’s getting a smidge tiresome.

Highs:

1.  I am more comfortable with myself then I have ever been in my entire life.  I can spend time alone without having to fill my time with something and I am much better at saying no to people (though that one will always need improvement).

2. I tried new things.  I got set up on dates (even though they were horribly unsuccessful and made me feel like crap about myself for a while), I tried Cross Fit, I flirted with the opposite sex, I did a bunch of random acts of kindness for people, I have hired a matchmaker, I ran a half marathon without training, I even broke out of my clothing comfort zone and started wearing bright colours and generally taking a lot more care in how I present myself.  And it’s all made me feel like at this point, I can handle and do anything.

3.  Learning that I really need to take more time for myself and not be running off and doing everything for everyone else.  I lost site of that over the past few months, starting with Christmas and hitting its peak over the last few months.  Now that I am more comfortable with myself and having “Leesah” time (as per number one on this list), I now know I need that time and I can’t be over-scheduled anymore without it having massive impacts on everything in my life.  Oh and more importantly, taking that time for me is completely OK.

What are some of your highs and lows of the year past?

Much luv,

Leesah

30 Day Blogging Challenge–Day 5

Good Morning Y’all!

I hope you are doing well on this freezing (in Winnipeg) Friday.  I mean, seriously, I saw sun dogs (essentially an ice crystal version of a rainbow) this morning as I drove to work–that is something you see in January–not April.

But I digress…I mean, it has to get warm eventually, right?

So on to the task at hand–day 5 of the challenge….and, oy, is the topic a doozy–especially for a Friday.  Today’s topic for the blogging challenge is to talk about a time where you thought about ending your own life.

*gulp*

Not exactly what I had anticipated to write about when I got up this morning–especially for a free-wheelin’ Friday….but I will do it…but if it’s okay with you all, I will keep it brief.

The time when I felt most like ending my own life was shortly after my 30th birthday, right after my Australian friend’s wedding and just before I started this blog.  I came back to see everyone around me were in committed relationships, married, trying for or already expecting babies.  I was also dealing with an eating disorder (which I wouldn’t admit to myself that I had), horrible self-esteem and my completely dashed hopes that my new job (which was only a few months old) would be the life changer/life saver I thought it would be.

I essentially felt like I couldn’t do anything right, I wasn’t living up to my and everyone else’s (or so I imagined) expectations.  I wasn’t enough on a number of levels and the space I took up on this earth was better used by someone else.  That all being said, I could not bring myself to do anything that would take my life, but I had decided that I would be okay with getting a terminal disease as the life I had lived so far was good enough and nobody would really miss me that much.

Fast forward two years, through a bit of therapy, journaling, blogging and many tearful talks with close friends and I don’t feel that way anymore.  I still feel sad about things that aren’t exactly how I want them at times (my body weight, my job, my single status), but it’s not the same anymore–my feelings of worthlessness and wishing I wasn’t here are gone.  I know that I matter now, regardless of the weight I am, the job I hold or whether I have a husband/family.

And on that note, I’m ending this post–too deep and emotional for a Friday when I’d much rather be doing something light-hearted and fun with  friends and family.

Much luv,

Leesah