30 Day Blogging Challenge- Days 27-28

Hey Y’all!

Can you believe that I have more or less kept up with this crazy blogging challenge?  I know…I’m pretty shocked, too. LOL.

The themes for what would be my weekend posts are: a problem that I’ve had (day 27) and something I miss (day 28).

I’m doing these together because, I sorta feel as though they entwined.  My weight is my problem…and  the thing I miss that I have never been care free about my body–especially when it comes to others judging it and what I eat …see, I told you they entwined. lol.

I”m not sure if that day will ever come…because if I was able to get back down to my low weight again, I would always be afraid I would put it back on again…I think this is the part that messes up people the most when it comes to weight issues.  You can’t ever be care free.  You are always aware of what you are putting into your body because it all adds up to extra inches when you aren’t aware.  And no, I am not suggesting that you can’t ever have fun with food or have a treat once you’ve lost weight, I’m just saying you cannot be 100% care free when it comes to what you eat because it will come back to haunt you.

I know some of you will say, this is where the idea of intuitive eating comes into play…but like a lot of things in my life, I tend to over think it.  After so many years of overeating and emotional eating, followed by some strict under eating and some time in a binge/purge cycle, I have really struggled to find the sweet spot of fullness …and so I have a few extra bites to avoid being hungry later.  And, yes, I realize how dumb this sounds, given I live in modern society and you are never more than a few minutes away from food that could be eaten if I got hungry.

It’s funny…because I was chubby all of my life…and it was always a bit of an issue (had a few devastating moments with my dad, who also grew up chubby, and our dreaded scale), there are times where I feel really bitter by the fact that I never felt I could embrace the care free nature of one’s body that you have when you are young.  I was always aware that I was the chubby one and I know I still carry a bit of this in my adult life. I never did go strut around the beach as a youngin’ in a new bikini and flirted with boys as a teen or even wear really fun fashion–I wore over-sized band tee-shirts and I avoided the beach, only wearing a bathing suit when I had to for work (I was a lifeguard and swim instructor).

I even made comments about my food choices if I was eating unhealthfully, in my mind acknowledging that I knew what “they” were thinking as I sipped upon my frappucinno with whipped cream.  It’s sorta like Rebel Wilson’s character in Pitch Perfect calling herself “Fat Amy” to beat the other girls to the punch.  The sad and funny thing is that I still engage in some of these behaviours today…at my ripe old age of nearly 33.

I think that, in moving forward, I need to re-frame the issues.   Yes I missed out on some things as a chubbier young person, but I also did some things that I maybe wouldn’t have if I was skinny.  Food is too silly of a thing to let it have this much power over my body and my emotions…and there is no way possible that I will ever starve in our current society as food is everywhere, so I don’t have to stuff in those extra bites to try to stave off some future hunger that may or may not happen.

And then there is my weight.  I need to embrace the fact that this is always going to be an issue for me and it’s just time to put on those big girl panties and work with that fact–I am someone who gains weight easily.  I will try to do the best I can in managing it and focus more on just being healthy and feeling comfortable in my own skin and not striving for a specific number on the scale and only allowing myself to feel contented when I hit that spot.

Gah…these feels like such a disjointed post.  Oh well…much like eating, I will simply do better next time.

Love, Leesah

30 Day Blogging Challenge–Day 5

Good Morning Y’all!

I hope you are doing well on this freezing (in Winnipeg) Friday.  I mean, seriously, I saw sun dogs (essentially an ice crystal version of a rainbow) this morning as I drove to work–that is something you see in January–not April.

But I digress…I mean, it has to get warm eventually, right?

So on to the task at hand–day 5 of the challenge….and, oy, is the topic a doozy–especially for a Friday.  Today’s topic for the blogging challenge is to talk about a time where you thought about ending your own life.

*gulp*

Not exactly what I had anticipated to write about when I got up this morning–especially for a free-wheelin’ Friday….but I will do it…but if it’s okay with you all, I will keep it brief.

The time when I felt most like ending my own life was shortly after my 30th birthday, right after my Australian friend’s wedding and just before I started this blog.  I came back to see everyone around me were in committed relationships, married, trying for or already expecting babies.  I was also dealing with an eating disorder (which I wouldn’t admit to myself that I had), horrible self-esteem and my completely dashed hopes that my new job (which was only a few months old) would be the life changer/life saver I thought it would be.

I essentially felt like I couldn’t do anything right, I wasn’t living up to my and everyone else’s (or so I imagined) expectations.  I wasn’t enough on a number of levels and the space I took up on this earth was better used by someone else.  That all being said, I could not bring myself to do anything that would take my life, but I had decided that I would be okay with getting a terminal disease as the life I had lived so far was good enough and nobody would really miss me that much.

Fast forward two years, through a bit of therapy, journaling, blogging and many tearful talks with close friends and I don’t feel that way anymore.  I still feel sad about things that aren’t exactly how I want them at times (my body weight, my job, my single status), but it’s not the same anymore–my feelings of worthlessness and wishing I wasn’t here are gone.  I know that I matter now, regardless of the weight I am, the job I hold or whether I have a husband/family.

And on that note, I’m ending this post–too deep and emotional for a Friday when I’d much rather be doing something light-hearted and fun with  friends and family.

Much luv,

Leesah