Good Morning Y’all!
I hope you are doing well on this freezing (in Winnipeg) Friday. I mean, seriously, I saw sun dogs (essentially an ice crystal version of a rainbow) this morning as I drove to work–that is something you see in January–not April.
But I digress…I mean, it has to get warm eventually, right?
So on to the task at hand–day 5 of the challenge….and, oy, is the topic a doozy–especially for a Friday. Today’s topic for the blogging challenge is to talk about a time where you thought about ending your own life.
Not exactly what I had anticipated to write about when I got up this morning–especially for a free-wheelin’ Friday….but I will do it…but if it’s okay with you all, I will keep it brief.
The time when I felt most like ending my own life was shortly after my 30th birthday, right after my Australian friend’s wedding and just before I started this blog. I came back to see everyone around me were in committed relationships, married, trying for or already expecting babies. I was also dealing with an eating disorder (which I wouldn’t admit to myself that I had), horrible self-esteem and my completely dashed hopes that my new job (which was only a few months old) would be the life changer/life saver I thought it would be.
I essentially felt like I couldn’t do anything right, I wasn’t living up to my and everyone else’s (or so I imagined) expectations. I wasn’t enough on a number of levels and the space I took up on this earth was better used by someone else. That all being said, I could not bring myself to do anything that would take my life, but I had decided that I would be okay with getting a terminal disease as the life I had lived so far was good enough and nobody would really miss me that much.
Fast forward two years, through a bit of therapy, journaling, blogging and many tearful talks with close friends and I don’t feel that way anymore. I still feel sad about things that aren’t exactly how I want them at times (my body weight, my job, my single status), but it’s not the same anymore–my feelings of worthlessness and wishing I wasn’t here are gone. I know that I matter now, regardless of the weight I am, the job I hold or whether I have a husband/family.
And on that note, I’m ending this post–too deep and emotional for a Friday when I’d much rather be doing something light-hearted and fun with friends and family.