Gratitude Week 12 and a half

Allo!

So I sorta slacked for a few weeks when it came to this whole gratitude thing….my week 11 post was several weeks ago.

As a result, I am going to give a top five for the few weeks I have missed, followed by a full recap of this past week’s moments of gratitude.

Lost weeks of Gratitude Top Five:

1. A friend of mine thought I was good enough to be set up with her husband’s best friend.  It’s nice to be thought of even if it’s not panning out how I was hoping it would.

2.  Saw the amazing K.D. Lang from front row….she is an amazing talent and I highly recommend going to see her–her voice is effortless and will give you chills.

3. Made wonderful plans to visit friends and the spa when I am in Ottawa for work this November.

4. Got to watch baseball with my dad and brother…and have a few laughs, too.

5.  I managed to keep my room clean until I got home from Edmonton…which is about 10 days and probably a record.  I am looking forward to getting it re-organized this weekend.

Week 12 (September 16-22)

Sunday:

1.  Pancakes for breakfast.  It’s what makes the weekends amazing.

2.  Tabatta.  I completed my first tabatta running workout.  I was really afraid to do it because I knew it would be hard and uncomfortable…but I thought about the fear challenge and decided to man up and get ‘er done…and it was amazing!

3. Creamy drinks.  There is nothing I love more in coffee or tea than milk/nut milk/coconut milk…anything creamy.  I can do without the sugar…but…the creamyness that a bit of dairy or dairy substitute can provide is heaven in a mug…especially on brisk Sundays.

Monday:

1. Cross fit fears are dead.  I went to a class on my own and I even managed to impress the instructor with my “amazing” squats for someone only attending their second real class.  Now if only I had not gotten too big for my britches and over did it on those deadlifts…(which led to a tight/sore back that continued until Saturday).

2. Beautiful stationary.  I just received my friend C’s wedding invite in the mail…and it was so simple and elegant and beautiful…and my name was written in fancy caligraphy.  So gorgeous.  This is something that will be sorely missed with the gaining popularity of e-vites.

3. heating pads…in reference to number one…I think I am going to be needing this a whole lot this week if my immediate back tightness is an indication of what is to come.

Tuesday:

1.  Days where I am not in pain….omg…back is so sore with delayed onset muscle soreness…and yes I know it is a “good” pain…but hooooly. 

2. Running.  Somehow…in the midst of all this soreness–and perhaps thanks to a healthy dose of fear…i ran 5 miles today.  Maybe this means I’ll only semi-die in October.

3.  Sons of Anarchy–getting to look at Jax Teller while foam rolling and stretching after my run makes the whole miserable process of foam rolling that much better.

Wednesday:

1. Brene Brown.  I know I keep mentioning her but….yeah, I have totally learned a lot from her…woo!…  Dare greatly everyone!

2. Pain Killers–it is a migrainey sort of day in Winnipeg and I was very happy to spend my afternoon working from home and enjoying the effects of pain killers.

3. Again…that darn heating pad.  My back is still awfully sore…though I did manage to get in 60 minutes of cardio…including a 3 mile run…still not sure how that happened.

Thursday:

1. John Fogerty from the front row.  Need I say more?

2. Autumn days–it’s cool enough to wear my trench coat and boots–love, love, love.

3. My back has improved slightly. (yes…my back is a theme for the week and I don’t care…lol).

Friday:

1. Cuticle Oil–with the change in weather and moisture in the air, my hands are paying the price with horrible, painful hangnails I’m starting to feel like I am going to need to start bathing in the stuff to keep those pesky hangnails at bay.

2.  My lovely bloggy friend Mrs. H at the Hemborg Wife as well as a few other choice people in my life who urged me to woman up and ask the guy out and get out of this weird texting limbo territory that this potential set up has wandered into…he said yes…so we will see….

3.Got to see a blues legend, Buddy Guy, from the front row.  Three front row shows in a week–pretty impressive.

Saturday:

1.  Went to an 11am crossfit class.  Proceeded to get my ass handed to me on a platter–even though it was an upper body workout for the most part (Fran?)….this is probably going to hurt tomorrow.

2. First date with the boy…it’s gone from first face to face meeting to a date somehow.  I still haven’t received word on the plans but he says he was planning something…intrigued…nervous….eek.

3. Hot coffee–the heat still hasn’t been turned on in my house….and waking up this morning to hot coffee was the most wonderful thing in the world.  I guess, based on that, I am also thankful for coffee makers with timers. lol.

 

Much luv,

 

Leesah

Peas Stop

Morning All–this post is a heavy one for the morning, so I warn you to read with caution. 

Most people know the story of the Princess and The Pea–she proves she’s a princess because she can feel a pea underneath a bunch of mattresses.

Well this princess (which the new boy called me, jokingly I hope, via text the other day), is sick of peas digging in and annoying her day in and day out.  Oh and total side note, he still hasn’t asked to meet up face to face upon his return from his work trip…so yeah…just putting that out there.

What this “pea” is…well, for the longest time I wasn’t sure.  I thought it was fear, lack of gratitude, depression, frustration…but after seeing a few different media appearances and youtube videos by Brene Brown, author of a new book called Daring Greatly, I think what it can all be labeled as is shame.  (Side note: her book also talks about the importance of vulnerability, but truthfully…the vulnerability part might ruin me and I’m feeling pretty good right now, despite this whole shame pea sticking in my back).

Oh and hells to the yeah do I have that shame thing going for me big time.  It’s weird to finally have the way I have felt wrapped up in such a small, five letter word….especially after reading so many self-help books and going to counseling etc.  I know I’m not the only one dealing with this sort of thing…but holy crap, do I need to get a handle on it as I feel like it has stolen my life away from me.

I’m going to re-read this book again and do a proper post on this whole revelation, but I feel that this “shame pea” has dug into to me for too long…and as it came back this morning to rule the roost…I knew I finally had to work to deal with it full on and break this damn cycle of feeling great for a few fleeting moments and then feeling like shit.

To close this crazy, not even close to being complete post, I will just list a few of the shame things I have felt in the last day or so:

1. I feel shame that I have worked for years to get down to my ultimate goal weight of about 137-140 lbs and I still can’t get there because I keep sabotaging myself.

2. I feel shame that despite being smart and having a good education, I am not achieving and rocking everyone’s socks at my job, nor do I like my job.

3. I feel shame about the fact that I am alone…ie not in a relationship, married, on my way to having babies like everyone else in my life.

4. I feel shame about the fact that I want to completely disconnect from the people I love and my life in general because I don’t have my life “together” in the way that society deems appropriate.

5. I feel shame that the set up guy with still hasn’t made any real effort to ask to meet face to face and that I don’t have the minerals (sorry, had to quote my favourite movie Snatch here), to ask him out.

6. I feel shame about the fact that I still live at home but, also, that I enjoy it.

7. I feel shame in that, no matter what I do, it never feels like it’s enough, or good enough, so I just tap out and stop doing a lot of stuff….scrapbooking, photography, learning to make macarons, dating, running clubs, graphic design, guitar, etc.

8. I feel shame that I depend so much on the praise and recognition of others to feel good about myself.

9. I feel shame about the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my mother, that she is an alcoholic who chose booze over me and my family and that I don’t think I can ever forgive her for that.

10. I even feel shame that this blog isn’t what I hoped for it to be.  It’s not trending, it’s not getting flooded with views, it’s not filled with amazing photos of things I have made, outfits I wore or abs that chiseled. I’m an amateur and this blog project has a corner of my life desk but yet I think that it should look and feel like something that takes the whole desk.

Wow…that feels remarkably therapeutic.    The sad thing, however, is that, I probably have dozens upon dozens more to add.  Looking forward to sharing this adventure with you. Also, though I highly doubt that Brene would ever read my blog, but if she does–I just want to say thank you and give her the most massive e-hug possible.

Much Luv,

Leesah