Shifting the Plan

Allo Everyone!

Happy Thursday–I would argue, however, that the only reason it is a happy Thursday is that it means tomorrow is Friday…and then the weekend can officially begin…even though my weekend will be starting in Saskatoon….darn work commitments.  Boo.

On the plus side, I will have a beautiful river trail to run on Friday afternoon before I go to my event–and maybe I’ll FINALLY get my 8 mile run in.  I also will be back in peg city before noon on Saturday so the weekend won’t be a total loss…and the OT is perfect for stashing away for a much-needed leisure day in the future.

So…..none of that has much to do with the title of this post–that being “shifting the plan.”  As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I was quite excited about moving forward and tackling a dating experiment where my friends near and far helped me create a profile and essentially picked out the guys I would be dating.  I was super excited and everyone was willing to pitch-in in some way and it was very touching to have all of their support.

Now…here’s were things get a bit complicated….I had my “check-up” with the counsellor I had started seeing in spring 2011.  I had scheduled the check-up because I was generally feeling so much better but I still felt like I was being held back…on the cusp of awesomeness but couldn’t quite make that final leap.  I also added my misery on the dating front to this conversation since it was such a fresh situation and though I was feeling much better about the nightmare that is my dating life, I figured, well, this is what I’m here to do–get advice…might as well lay it out on the table.

So what did she tell me…well, coincidently it was a lot of the same things that a fellow blogger whom I recently began following and has provided me lots of advice over the last few days…and that blogger is Big Daddy Jim (or Bgddyjim).  Much like Big Daddy Jim, my counsellor advised me to stop the negative self talk and it was that hamster wheel of negativity that was me back from everything that I wanted as the negativity keeps you tight, tense and angry and that energy flows through you and affects those around you.  If, instead, you are positive and light…those around you as well as opportunities are attracted to that.

She also insisted on not rehashing stuff and to some extent, perhaps, keeping friends at a safe distance when it comes to things in my life that are triggers for negativity.  By safe distance I mean just not engaging in conversations about those topics (ie dating, weight loss, etc) or if they say something that is sorta negative don’t engage (ie a friend recently commented on some of my new clothes stating “wow…aren’t we colourful”–apparently I’m not supposed to respond in any way…just let that comment drop in the air like it was a rock and move on). 

I had asked her, in response, if that means I don’t ever get to share or vent to a friend….she said yes, but get it over with as soon as possible or you’ll keep relieving it and rehashing it as you keep bringing the past into the present, where it has no place other than making you miserable….and why would you want to make yourself feel that way? Valid point…but it will be hard to not go back into negativity for me…it’s something that I’ve done for so long. 

Interesting, no?…I’m looking forward to putting these things into action….I even have my own action word for stopping my negative thoughts in their tracks…I say “Pause-itive.”  It’s sorta geeky, but it works as it forces me to stop, and shift gears to a more positive mindset. 

Now…stemming from this…I had mentioned my new dating experiment…and well, that was probably the most interesting part of our chat.  We did a visualization exercise where I had to describe what my future partner would look like….with no limits or judgements…just let it all go…and it was sorta fascinating not to be judged on that list…After creating the list, she asked me, well, do you think this guy is online or out doing stuff.  I immediately knew what she was getting at and that she was right. 

She then delved further into her opinion as to why she is strongly urging me not to go through with online dating.  Essentially it was her opinion that I didn’t need it and my time/effort would be better served joining local professional organizations and volunteering and such, which would also be helpful to my desired career shift (which I’ll get into on another post).

She also said that the reason why I had always found duds through online dating is because it’s essentially an online version of a bar…and it’s also a place where everything is artificial a lot of mental illness resides as a number of her clients are on those dating sites.  She said, yes, there can be the odd successes here and there and there is a chance that I could be one of the successes but she said that it likely wouldn’t be the case…that I would experience more heartache and negativity and negative feelings about myself because the dates won’t work out because they aren’t the types of guys that I want/are attracted to in my life.  She spoke of several of her clients who struggle with negativity like I do and they all had horrible experiences online and she really wanted to save me and further pain/anguish.

Ironically, it sorta matches how I have felt about online dating two occaisions that I have gone forward and put myself out there.  It just never resided well with me deep down.  So….after my bravado of last post…taking my dating gloves off…it looks like I may be putting them a bit back on.  I think, however, I still might have a girls night of tasty food and drinkies at my house…just for the sh!ts and giggles of it.

She also asked me to do visualization exercises whenever I thought about my dating issues….again, instead of a negative woe is me thought…turn it into the positive….he IS out there. He is LOOKING for me.  He is walking towards me.  I know it sounds hokey, but I’m going to give it a whirl.  Can’t be all bad to imagine an attractive man walking into my life…lol.

There was some other noteworthy things we did as well…mostly around career visualization (sorta like the guy visualization exercise), allowing yourself to dream and a more concentrated gratitude practice.  These things were pretty interesting to say the least and I hope to write-up a separate post about them.

So…on that note…I’m thinking of following her advice and not follow through with this crazy dating experiment…and rather just have a party to celebrate my friends and their support…and just doing what she said…embracing and living with positivity and stopping the negative wheel of thought….and imagine all the things, like your dream man is looking for you, too. 

Thoughts?  Suggestions? Comments?  I’m all ears!

Love Leesah

Peas Stop

Morning All–this post is a heavy one for the morning, so I warn you to read with caution. 

Most people know the story of the Princess and The Pea–she proves she’s a princess because she can feel a pea underneath a bunch of mattresses.

Well this princess (which the new boy called me, jokingly I hope, via text the other day), is sick of peas digging in and annoying her day in and day out.  Oh and total side note, he still hasn’t asked to meet up face to face upon his return from his work trip…so yeah…just putting that out there.

What this “pea” is…well, for the longest time I wasn’t sure.  I thought it was fear, lack of gratitude, depression, frustration…but after seeing a few different media appearances and youtube videos by Brene Brown, author of a new book called Daring Greatly, I think what it can all be labeled as is shame.  (Side note: her book also talks about the importance of vulnerability, but truthfully…the vulnerability part might ruin me and I’m feeling pretty good right now, despite this whole shame pea sticking in my back).

Oh and hells to the yeah do I have that shame thing going for me big time.  It’s weird to finally have the way I have felt wrapped up in such a small, five letter word….especially after reading so many self-help books and going to counseling etc.  I know I’m not the only one dealing with this sort of thing…but holy crap, do I need to get a handle on it as I feel like it has stolen my life away from me.

I’m going to re-read this book again and do a proper post on this whole revelation, but I feel that this “shame pea” has dug into to me for too long…and as it came back this morning to rule the roost…I knew I finally had to work to deal with it full on and break this damn cycle of feeling great for a few fleeting moments and then feeling like shit.

To close this crazy, not even close to being complete post, I will just list a few of the shame things I have felt in the last day or so:

1. I feel shame that I have worked for years to get down to my ultimate goal weight of about 137-140 lbs and I still can’t get there because I keep sabotaging myself.

2. I feel shame that despite being smart and having a good education, I am not achieving and rocking everyone’s socks at my job, nor do I like my job.

3. I feel shame about the fact that I am alone…ie not in a relationship, married, on my way to having babies like everyone else in my life.

4. I feel shame about the fact that I want to completely disconnect from the people I love and my life in general because I don’t have my life “together” in the way that society deems appropriate.

5. I feel shame that the set up guy with still hasn’t made any real effort to ask to meet face to face and that I don’t have the minerals (sorry, had to quote my favourite movie Snatch here), to ask him out.

6. I feel shame about the fact that I still live at home but, also, that I enjoy it.

7. I feel shame in that, no matter what I do, it never feels like it’s enough, or good enough, so I just tap out and stop doing a lot of stuff….scrapbooking, photography, learning to make macarons, dating, running clubs, graphic design, guitar, etc.

8. I feel shame that I depend so much on the praise and recognition of others to feel good about myself.

9. I feel shame about the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my mother, that she is an alcoholic who chose booze over me and my family and that I don’t think I can ever forgive her for that.

10. I even feel shame that this blog isn’t what I hoped for it to be.  It’s not trending, it’s not getting flooded with views, it’s not filled with amazing photos of things I have made, outfits I wore or abs that chiseled. I’m an amateur and this blog project has a corner of my life desk but yet I think that it should look and feel like something that takes the whole desk.

Wow…that feels remarkably therapeutic.    The sad thing, however, is that, I probably have dozens upon dozens more to add.  Looking forward to sharing this adventure with you. Also, though I highly doubt that Brene would ever read my blog, but if she does–I just want to say thank you and give her the most massive e-hug possible.

Much Luv,

Leesah