You ever have one of “those” nights?  That is what I had last night.

For the past few years, I have been struggling with the whole being single, turning 30 thing.  I have watched nearly all my friends fine their “one”, get married, start families and find all those things that comes naturally to most people in their late twenties and early thirties. I am happy for them.  Really, I am.  The fact that this is all happening to seemingly everyone but me (yes, I know this sounds dramatic, but hey, i’m venting and it’s my blog…lol), at around the same time…well…makes it harder to swallow as I have had nothing even close to a long term relationship.

I will try and give you the lay of the land without sounding like I am on a therapist’s couch.  I have been overweight all my life.  My alcoholic mother routinely told me I would never find a boyfriend because I was too fat.  So I focused on school and didn’t worry about dating.  I figured I would either meet someone in school, who would like me for me and see past the weight, or I would finish school, get my career together, lose weight and bam…a guy would come a calling.  Again.  This didn’t work.  I lost the weight…and got a scant few dates…but they turned into nothing.   I lost more weight, got a few more dates…and again…nothing.  The most I ever dated someone was about 4 weeks or so.  Then it would end.  This happened earlier this year and proved to be a bit too much and the camel’s back broke.

The demise of my last relationship made me question what is “wrong” with me because I wasn’t overweight anymore…and it made me think that it was me, that there was something wrong…that I was broken, that clearly I wasn’t good enough for someone to want in their life romantically (as I have lots of friends, most of them for very long periods of time).  I felt really alone, really hopeless and just lost.  I didn’t know where to turn and though I wasn’t suicidal, I was thinking that, if I had a terminal illness diagnosed to me at that particular moment, I would be perfectly ok with it because I had had some fun in my life and it’s not like I had  family of my own to live for or anything.  I had stopped doing the things I loved…like running, seeing friends, and just stayed home and did my very best to eat away the feelings…and believe me, I succeeded in that one.  Putting on 25 lbs…and making me feel even worse in the process.

My friends talked me into going to see a counselor, which helped.  I have started this blog, which has also helped dramatically.  I took a sabbatical from dating, which I am still currently on, but am toying with ending.  I was getting better, I was starting to enjoy things about life again.  My binge episodes were decreasing…my workout frequency was increasing.  I wasn’t crying everyday.

I still had bad days…the days were my insecurities got to me and my loneliness set in.  The last one I had was about six weeks ago.  It was the first time I had a bad night that I didn’t binge and I didn’t wallow.  Instead, I did something positive.  I bought two ebooks on dating.  They ended up teaching me a lot so it was sort of a win win situation.

Then, last night happened.  The irony is that I was just telling a friend how good I was feeling.  I felt empowered, my confidence was starting to rise….I felt almost…dare I say it… happy…I felt like I might be ready to officially put myself back on the dating market…I started to think I actually had some value.

So…back to last night.  It was one of my oldest friend’s birthday dinners at her new boyfriend’s house.  Joining us for this dinner was another one of her friends, whom I like to call the Duchess as she believes and behaves like she is one.  I cannot stand her as she is just a distasteful human being and says and does things that I just find to be distasteful…and she sees me as major competition for our friend’s affections.

The first diss was about the pie I made (which I posted pictures of).  In the 20 years that I have been making that pie,  I have NEVER received a complaint–all compliments.  And it s not that I couldn’t handle it if there was something wrong with the pie, but rest assured, the pie was enjoyed by everyone except her.  Even the birthday girl asked if she was crazy.

The second, and more hurtful diss of the night, was that she compared me to the lead character in the movie Bridesmaids because I am alone and I bake.  Now, i am assuming most of you have seen the movie…and if not, see it as its great…but the character she compared me to (Kristin Wiig’s character) sorta loses it for part of the movie.  Her comment proceeded to bring out all the negative feelings, all my insecurities…all the things I thought I had overcome….it hit me like a sledgehammer.

I wanted to cry, cause her physical harm, yell and run from the house all at the same time.  I knew that her statement had more to it that the coincidence of the character and I both baking and being single…the look she gave me when she said it…the fact that I know what a “mean girl” she really is…and it just sorta broke me.  I cried on the painfully long drive home (made extra long by a stupid train)…and I cried myself to sleep.

Her comment made me feel like I was some desperate, f@ck up of a single woman that was less because I wasn’t married or dating anyone.  I felt worthless…I felt ugly…and what was worse is that someone who I disliked with every fibre of my being was doing this to me….and that I didn’t have the strength to fight it.

I am hoping that, by sending this out to the blog-iverse, it will help me to let it go…lose the hurt and the anger inside about someone trying to take me down a few pegs to make herself feel better.  I am hoping that by sending this out, that it will help me build my emotional toughness muscle to keep nasty people like her from upsetting me in the future.    I may not be as thin or as pretty as she is, but damnit, I am a far more beautiful person than she will ever be.

And that is my rant.  Thanks for listening.

Leesah

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