So a weird thing has happened in the last week.  Something I don’t quite understand, but I am sorta excited about it’s occurrence.

I’ve made no secret about the issues I have had with eating.  I am an emotional eater to the max.  I have dealt with extreme diets, bulimia and binges.  I have gone from being overly regimented, counting every calorie and spending hours at the gym as punishment for going over my daily calorie budget to not caring and eating anything that was in sight, to the point where I felt ill.

Over the last few months, I was struggling to get healthy again, but do it the right way.  No punishing myself, no starving, no  binges or purges….it was a struggle…and the struggle made me anxious and made the urges to engage in those behaviours increase…because, at the very least, those behaviours appeared to get results…though in truth, not healthy ones.  The fact that I couldn’t work out with any real commitment due to my migraines didn’t help this situation either.  I realize this may not make sense, but this is the weirdness that was going on in my head.

Then, due to all the craziness of the holidays, I really stopped caring.  I had more anxiety about making my big meal and ensuring I didn’t give my family food poisoning.  My focus was entirely on something else.  I was so busy and so worried that I only ate when I felt really hungry, which is something I never really did before.   I fell into intuitive eating without realizing it…

That’s not to say that there weren’t the odd indulgences…I did have some treats, but that is what the holidays are about…but I didn’t put on any weight…and I didn’t work out at all for a good week or so…which seems almost miraculous.

This gave me a bit up added excitement about my whole idea of working out and trying to get back to a healthy weight this winter, with the start of a new year.  I was also cautious though…this little change in my approach to eating happened at a time of extreme stress and when I was away from real life (ie on holidays).  i was worried that I would fall back into old habits…and that old anxiety would come back.

Fortunately, it didn’t.  I have had no anxiety.  I have still had some treats (like jujubes, cookies).  I haven’t punished myself at the gym–mostly because, even if I wanted too, I couldn’t with my sausage toe.  I have been making wise choices, but not starving.  I find that I am eating only when I am hungry…and there is no urgency to eating like I used to have.  I am able to control my portions, especially with sweets, that I have never been able to do without it feeling like punishment.

I can’t tell you how odd and amazing this feels…it’s such a different vibe to what I have felt from past “diet” phases of my life.  It’s truly remarkable.

Anyway, I know the road is quite long, and this is only one week in, but man, does it feel freaking fantastic.  I’ve never felt this empowered when it comes to my relationship with food.   I hope it continues on and that this little post can help others who have eating issues.

Lotsa Luv,

Leesah

 

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