The only way I can start off today is with the word boo.  My coworker aka Squeaky Nuts (as when he chews, his teeth squeak and it drives me mad!) appears to have taken the keys to the lunch room with him, thus making it impossible for me to get access to the refrigerator to put away my lunch and snack smoothie to keep it all healthy and bacteria free. Grr. I hope the Squeakster doesn’t make this a habit as I don’t dig food poisoning or wasted food.

Yesterday sorta sucked too, but only because most of my day was all migrainey.  Yay for weather changes.  lol.  On the plus side, it allowed me to do a lot of thinking and it also allowed me to discover Dexter.  Yes, I wholly admit that I am late to the game on this one…but right now, I am about 2/3 of the way through season one and am enjoying it immensely.

But…back to that thinking thing.  The Fire Starter Sessions, one of the four books I am reading as a part of this whole Self-Discovery Challenge, is written by a Canadian (woo!) named Danielle LaPorte.  I’m only  1/4 of the way into the book, but it’s already got some fires started.  In the book she asks the reader “How do you want to feel?”

Whoa!  Is that a hallelujah chorus I hear?  I think it might be!

I spent most of my day, when I wasn’t doubled over in pain or distracted by Dexter, thinking about this.  She then goes on by saying, once you are clear on how you want to feel, your decision-making will get down to the heart of the matter–doing stuff to make you feel that way. 

The first of what I’m sure will be many parts of the answer to the question was about my body and ironically enough, it came to me while completing a 5 mile run yesterday–still not sure how that one managed to workout, but I will totally take it to the bank.

Lately I have seen a lot of bloggers talking about their issues with food, eating disorders, etc.  In fact, one of my bloggy friends Allison, was brave enough to come forward and talk about her struggle and how she plans on dealing with it in the last few posts on her blog–which I highly recommend you read.  It brought up a lot of old wounds, which is for the better, with this self-discovery exercise, and I look forward to healing them and hopefully help others, like Allison, too.

So, essentially, I want to feel at ease, at peace, when it comes to my body.  I have fought a war with my body for years….and I’m tired of it.  I want to lose 20-30 lbs.  I think 20 is possible…30, maybe not.  I want to do is healthfully and in a stress free way that doesn’t make me want to lose it because I had that extra cookie or missed a workout. 

I am going to do this, arguably, by mixing the old with new.  I am going to count calories, but I’m not going to be ultra low (I would eat only 1200 and then workout without replacing any of the calories, thus netting 600 calories most days…sometimes less).  I am also going to allow myself to indulge here and there in the hopes that I can teach myself to be satisfied with smaller treats and not going literally whole hog and overdoing it like I have done of late.  I am also going to throw in a bit of a paleo attitude by adding more healthy fats and protein to my diet as the satiation levels I experienced while on that diet were truly amazing.

I also want to change my inner monologue.  Those inner critics that I mentioned, well, I am really going to focus on telling them to STFU.  I mean, seriously, my body is pretty flipping amazing, which is something I never gave it credit for until I started reading Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves by Amy Ahlers.  I am also slowly but surely falling in love with her book, too.  In the Chapter entitled: Big Fat Lie #16: One of these days I’ll win the battle of the bulge,  she asks the reader to do an exercise where you have to stand in front of the mirror, naked, and list 10 things that you love about yourself, your body.

Granted, I was lying down in my bed doing this, rather than in front of a mirror nekkid, but, still, I was thinking about it and well, like I said, my body is pretty flipping spectaular…here is the list:

  1. It has run 8…er, I think it’s 8 half marathons and one full marathon.  Hopefully I can add a triathlon to that list of feats.
  2. My heart has been continuously beating for almost 32 years.  
  3. I have somewhat uniquely coloured blue eyes.  They tend to get a lot of attention and I have always said something self  deprecating about them being freaky (one guy in grade 9 said they were and it stuck). I will no longer say that.  I got them from my grandpa’s as they both had/have blue eyes–the best gift they could’ve given me.
  4. I have an ample rack–something that comes in handy at times (aside from running–very jealous of smaller ladies when running as they get to wear the pretty sports bras).
  5. As a result of my time in cross fit, it is clear that I can build some pretty bangin muscle–can’t wait for this shoulder thing to heal so I can get back into cross fit.
  6. I have great legs–or, well, everyone tells me that.  lol.  I think they are great because they have survived so many years of abuse and a few knee surgeriesand they still keep on keepin’ on.
  7. I have small hips and butt–I embrace it in this world of badonkadonks and Sir Mix A Lot Odes.  It also makes me feel like I am a bit of an anomaly because of it.
  8. My right eyebrow–yes, i know, just the right one you ask? well, yes.  i don’t wax or thread my eyebrows.  I twease them on my own.  My right eyebrow is always fantastic.  I aspire to get my left one in line asap…but I think my over tweasing in my teen years might make that one hard to do.
  9. My teeth.  They are imperfectly perfect–not too white, not to chiclet, with a small space between my too front teeth and one slight snaggle tooth, it is a smile as unique as a snowflake.
  10. My feet–I torture them during my training runs and designer heels.  Yet, like my legs, they still carry me onward and upward through my days and nights.

What is your top ten?  How do you want to feel?  What will you have to do to feel that way?

Much luv,

Leesah

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