F is for frustration.

F is for fitness.

F is for what the F is going on here?!

So in the midst of my massive shame spiral about my date with the boy I decided to kill myself at the gym…I figured that, at best, I would work off the frustration and anguish and at worst, I would still be frustrated and anguished, but I would be too tired to care.

I ran five horrible miles.  I couldn’t find my groove and it was just hard.  I haven’t been eating normally or drinking a ton of water and that, along with my negative outlook for the day surely didn’t help things.  But…i plodded along with Honey Boo Boo Child keeping me company on the cardio theatre.  The best way I can look at this run is that 5 miles are better than no miles.  Then I headed to cross fit….

Is there crying in cross fit?  I know there’s no crying in baseball, but man did I come close.  The WOD wore me out.  21-15-9 of burpees and wall balls.  I thought I was going to die and the coach (who is smoking hot and super nice btw) as well as the other people in my class, just kept encouraging me to finish….I still don’t know how it happened…but after I was done…I felt so free and calm and well, it was the best I felt all day.  Something about that class had snapped me out of my mood and I was soo thankful.

That is, until, I walked to my car and was just about to get in…my phone vibrated and it was a text from him…finally at like, 9:15….saying “Haha…no worries, all is good.  Saturday was fun and I’m sorry for bailing early.”  Honestly, if I had an extra few hundred dollars I would’ve thrown my phone against a wall and smashed it to bits…I couldn’t believe it.  So…instead of letting the frustration monster take home…I hopped into the car, threw my phone somewhere I couldn’t look at it and cranked up some feel good music, which I sang to….really loudly I might add….on the way home.

It’s 12 hours later…almost to the moment…still haven’t responded….not sure what to say to him….though I will say that this whole thing taught me that I need to become far more resilient with this dating thing and not worry so much about what men think of me when dating.  Fortunately, I have a check in with my old counsellor tomorrow so I’m going to ask her that and see what she says.  After a lifetime of trying to please everyone and desire to be loved by everyone I meet and taking it so personally if they don’t like me, well, this needs to change as it’s not working for me anymore….

Before I sign off on this post, I want to take the time to thank those who provided such support through comments on the blog in the last 24 hours–I’m ever so grateful and owe you all big time.  Will keep you posted on what happens with the boy.

Much luv and hugs,

Leesah.

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