There’s something happenin’ here…what it is ain’t exactly clear….
This is a line from one of my favourite Buffalo Springfield songs…For What It’s Worth….and also one of my favourite muppet covers –I adore the little animals.
But, cute muppet animals aside, and a bit more seriously here folks. It’s weird…I feel this spark, this electricity…this vibe thumping through my head….through the wind…through every song I hear….in fact, it’s almost like that crazy buzz that is in a crowd just before a huge concert is about to start.
This spark pops up at inopportune times, too, especially over the past few days…like when I’m just about to drift off to sleep—something pops into my head and that’s it. Lol. I’m awake for another hour or so. Or during boring graphics classes when I’m supposed to be learning about software programs…and not thinking about stuff.
And it’s awesome. I am enjoying the vibe, the spark, whatever the heck this is….because it has been so long since I felt this. Prior to starting the blog, I went through a super rough, bad patch emotionally. I felt very lost and like my life was, in all essence a waste because I wasn’t on the same tracks as my friends regarding boyfriends, marriages, home purchasing, baby making, etc. I had tried so hard to be everything and become this person, this thinner, ideally flab free (not even possible with my eating disorder), fitter, with a flashy job, graduate degree, etc. person…, that I thought would get me to that end status—a boyfriend/husband and the possibility of kids—essentially a life that is not like what I had and then, only then, would I be happy. That’s not to say that there weren’t aspects of my life that I didn’t like…au contraire. I know that my life was one of many awesome things and people and all that other junk…but it wasn’t enough for me at the time and I think that, of all things, was what bothered me the most. I have a life that I know many, many people would appreciate.
I have spoken of this period several times on this blog, but never going into the full depth of how bad it was. I was, and I have to take a bit of a pause before I even write this, but I was incredibly depressed. I wasn’t suicidal and would never have done anything to take my own life, but…at the time, I wouldn’t have been upset if I had been diagnosed with an incurable illness. To me I would’ve just felt, well, I had a decent life and now I will succumb to whatever crazy disease I have. Since I didn’t have the things my friends had, I really felt like my life wasn’t worth living as I had nobody to live it for…nobody depending on me, no family of my own…and thus, I felt, no life of my own. Like, in all truth, I honestly felt that nobody would really care if I were gone. My good friends and extended family, well, they might be sad for a day tops and maybe at the funeral, but they would get over it and move on. The only people whom I was really worried about was my grandma and most of all, my dad. The idea of causing my dad any sort of heartache brings so many tears to my eyes that, even as I write this, well, I can’t actually see what I am writing—damn tears.
I initially treated this emotional break with nothing but repeat cycles of binge eating (no purging this time—didn’t feel I deserved being fit/slim any more), no exercise, lots of tv, and sleeping, I finally sought the help of a counselor. Then for the last year or so, I embarked on a big ol’ trek of soul searching, reading of self-help books, professional counseling, and tearful vent sessions with helpful, understanding, kind friends, and this blog, I have slowly started re-building my broken self.
Progress was slow and it always felt as though I was one step forward, two steps back…and it was hard—I felt as though I was never going to feel good, or have any spark for life again….and the thought of that, well, it just broke my heart more than any guy had ever done…and it was then that I vowed that I wouldn’t let that happen…that I would feel better….and that I would just try and be patient and realize that it took me just over 30 years for this to all bubble up and finally show itself like an ugly pimple on picture day—it was going to take awhile to rebuild myself.
I am finally starting to feel like, well, like I’m not a piece of shattered china that someone had tried to fix with crazy glue….that feeling of fragility, constantly on edge and worried that I’m on the precipice of falling apart again at any moment, because my internal foundations were so horribly weak. I feel like, internally, I am a bit more stable—there are some additions to the foundations to keep things together and upright. That’s not to say I don’t have bad days—I mean obvs. I still do—it’s in the bloggy blog—but they don’t send me into a self-loathing, life-hating tailspin for weeks or months at a time any more.
Now I feel some sort of momentum. I feel that whatever crazy glue is holding me together is really strong. I also feel physically strong and feel like I want to start making even more changes to my life, even if they are crazy, risky, expensive, lol, just because of the fact that this is all I have….and I don’t want to waste any more of it living in a dark room and feeling sad about what I don’t have in my life or what I haven’t done. Mentally I feel as though I can handle just about anything right now—even if they told me I was laid off tomorrow, I would be like ok…time to pull a re-asses, huck a chu-ey (chuck a u-ey…like u-turn, love aussie slang) and take a new path into some sort of unknown. As silly as this sounds I feel as though, for the first time ever in my life, I have control over the uncontrollable in my life because well, I have no idea what’s coming, but I’m excited and ready for it and don’t really care where I’m going, as long as its progress into finding what will make me happy.
The funny thing about that last statement is it is something my friend D had said to me when we were on one of our girls trips some time ago—I’m not sure if it was Hawaii or in Aus or what, but she had said to me that she doesn’t worry about the bad things here and now, be it a break up with a guy or what have you, but there is always something or someone great around the corner and you need to be ready for it. At the time I thought she was nuts, but now I’m sorta starting to get it. I feel like I am ready for whatever is around the corner now. I am ready to run the Fargo Half Marathon and enjoy it because I can simply able to run. I am ready to explore new life experiences and opportunities like finding a new job in a non-government field and going to cross fit. I am ready to stop judging myself so harshly and be kinder to myself as I am not that bad of a person. I am ready to live a life that is MINE–not for anyone else or any other purposes or doing things to make others happy. Even putting this out there…well it’s making me happy, no matter what others thing or how they judge me.
Wow…that is scary to have that all written down and out there. Where is a mojito? See, that is what living this life that is mine is all about—deciding to have a mojito at 2pm because I can and it makes me happy and I don’t care what others think…well…if I was not at work, I would have a mojito at 2pm…but you know what I mean…
Much luv and thanks for all the love and blog-therapy,